You have opinions. I do too, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this.

We’re communicating all the time — humans are social creatures, after all — so it’s only natural to often disagree. We want and value different things, and interpret the same events in different ways. Whether we’re debating dinner plans or questioning the future of a relationship, we’re constantly navigating conflict. And for all our differences, there’s really only one tool we can use: dialog.

The illusion of dialog

One person speaks while the other just waits for their turn — collecting ammunition and mentally preparing counter-arguments. Not because we don’t like listening in general. We do, as long as we’re listening to the sound of our own voice.

Who doesn’t love the little rush that comes from exposing a flaw in someone else’s argument, making it abundantly clear that we are right, that we won the argument? Being right feels good.

Genuinely listening, on the other hand, is hard. It requires letting yourself experience discomfort. When our beliefs are challenged, we feel vulnerable. Being wrong feels like shit.

So we do everything in our power to prove our point, we treat conversations as battles that we need to win, instead of opportunities to discover the truth. Words are no longer tools to bridge two minds together, words are merely another weapon in our disposal. That’s not productive, that’s a waste of time and resources for everyone involved.

They started it!

So you do the right thing. You let the other person finish their thoughts without interrupting them. You resist the urge to rehearse your response while they’re speaking. You actually pay attention and make an honest effort to understand where they’re coming from, even if you maybe disagree with it.

Then your turn comes. You begin exploring your point of view only to be so rudely interrupted. Ah, this conversation is pointless. They clearly aren’t willing to listen to you, so why should you? Because dialog rarely begins with two skilled communicators. Today you are the one that gets to break the cycle. You are the one that gets to show them what conflict resolution looks like. By refusing to mirror defensiveness, you’re creating the conditions necessary for an actual conversation to emerge. And if you really did listen, truly listen, you can actually hear beneath their fears, insecurities, and all the things that are holding them back.

No goals

What is it you’re actually hoping to achieve in a conversation, anyway? To prove you’re right? To convince someone else that you’re right? To protect your ego from being challenged?

If that’s your goal, you’ve already limited what the conversation can become.

Real dialog requires giving up the need to control the outcome. It means entering a conversation without already knowing where it should end. Only then can you truly hear the other person. Stop asking “How do I win?” and start asking “What can I learn?”

There’s nothing shameful about being wrong. What’s shameful is choosing to stay wrong. Feeling right doesn’t make you right. Refusing to change your mind only guarantees that you’ll remain wrong because your ego won’t let you reconsider. The moment we’re willing to listen, learn, and adjust our views, our mistakes stop being permanent and start becoming lessons instead.

Cannot listen without speaking

A lot of people struggle to listen. Others struggle to speak.

Maybe you’ve spent so long being dismissed, talked over, or having your feelings minimized that you’ve stopped expecting anyone to understand you. Maybe every attempt at explaining yourself ended with criticism or dismissal. Conversations now seem pointless and you don’t feel safe being vulnerable anymore. Why bother expressing your thoughts if nobody is going to hear them anyway?

However, new conversations are not replays of old ones. The people who failed to hear you in the past don’t get to decide the outcome of every future conversation. Staying silent won’t protect you from being disappointed, it will only ensure that you remain unheard. To be understood, you must first risk being misunderstood.